Monday, August 6, 2018

Happy Summer... it's 2018.... what?


I wanted to give an update about what's happening with me.

It's August and there's only a few more days of summer until school starts. The fact I have a 5th grader and a 7th grader is mind-boggling. I turn around to see my older son eye-to-eye with me. Really? He's just shooting up like a weed. It's bittersweet watching them grow and change into young men.  Each stage has its challenges and enjoyments (cue the groaning and fighting, I mean frustration from FORTNITE), but I keep asking myself, where has the time gone?

Time. Sigh.

If you haven't heard, on December 1, 2015, I suffered from a stroke. It happened as a result of a surgery where microscopic coils were placed in an unburst aneurysm in my brain. The surgery went fine, but I didn't recover well. I awoke to find my right side no longer under my control, not wanting to speak, unable to understand common words and extreme exhaustion. I was in rehab for 20 days to learn to talk, walk and take care of my self. My recovery was very miraculous, but the fictional side of my brain where I'd written fiction hadn't returned.

Fast forward to now, it's still not returned.

Often, I run into people who haven't seen me in a while and eventually they'll ask with hope in their eyes, "Are you writing yet?" My pat answer comes rolling off my tongue, "I'm not yet, but I've not given up hope that it'll come back."

Come back.

I've recently been introduced to the personality test called the Enneagram. If you know anything about enneagram it's very enlightening and empowering. It's helped me understand how and why people do what they do, especially people I love. In my discovery, I found I'm a 7 with a 6 wing. It's called "The Entertainer." Famous 7's are Robin Williams, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, or Stephen Colbert. We're naturally the enthusiast with a Peter Pan look on life, in search constantly for adventure and the fun of life with the gift to bring joy into any situation.

When in a healthy space, 7's know "less is more," are aware of the energy invested into manufacturing happiness, and see that joy is a gift or grace that can only be received. We embrace the full range of human emotions and are growing in our ability to embrace life for what it is rather than what we want it to be. We incorporate pain and disappointment by embracing it rather than avoiding it. So the hope that I'm waiting for the fictional side of my brain to return... is that based in reality or my personality spin to make it positive?

If I'm to be truly honest with myself, the part I enjoyed about writing--imagining my characters going through, enduring and coming out in the end on top--isn't there. It's broken. Permanent writers block. And if that isn't there, it's no longer fun for me.

So that being said... *deep breath* .... I don't think I'll be writing fiction. It's hard to say that out loud. And as you can see, admitting that is SO against my natural bent. And I so don't like disappointing people. But it's true and in saying so, it's helping me be more healthy. God has another plan for me.

While I year ago, I felt God's nudge to write my memoir, it's been slow going. Maybe because my story isn't over yet. Or I might need help writing it to tie the pieces together. Or I need to be patient with myself and it might take 10 years to complete it. I'm okay with that.

And maybe, in the mean time, I should just post here short things about stuff going on in my life.

Anyway, if you'd like to read more on the Enneagram, I highly recommend The Road Back to You by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile
and The Path Between Us: An Enneagram Journey to Healthy Relationships by Ian Morgan Cron and Suzanne Stabile. (By clicking on these links and purchasing them, I make a small portion as Amazon's thank you to me)

Thank you so much for your kind words, prayers and encouragement during my recovery and continued journey. They mean more than you know. I always welcome your comments :)

Hugs, Brenda